The Glory, Power and Freedom of Saying 'No'
As lockdown is eased, it’s fun to think about what things you’d like to shed so you can move into this next period a little lighter, a little freer.
What clunk (physical, mental or relational) can you clear out?
A great, but sometimes easier said than done, way to make space, is to begin saying NO.
Why NO!?
Whether you’re a (recovering or full-blown) people pleaser, or simply scared you’ll never work again, I believe harnessing the power of saying NO is the key to healthy boundaries and a dread-free life.
When you say NO to things that you don’t really want to invest your time, energy, creativity or money in, you get out of the busy-blindness.
If you’re like me, in that new quiet expanse of time, existential monsters appear. But if you can bear grappling with them, they’ll fade. Then you'll find you’ve made space to create new projects you’re actually excited about. And you’ll be available for new opportunities when they come along.
And it's not just your career, this principal applies to your romantic and social lives too.
How do I KNOW what to say “NO” to?!
Here’s a jumping off point… Say NO to activities, relationships, situations, things and gigs that...
You dread
You feel you “SHOULD” say yes to. i.e. that you’d only be agreeing to out of duty or obligation
Require booze/drugs to get through. Skip ‘em & save time + £$.
Cost too much -- emotionally, financially or time
Pay too little -- money, respect or career development
Make you feel small. Ask yourself, will this expand or diminish me? Say Yes, to expansion. Say No to diminishment.
Learning to say NO has been tough for me. A good buffer I have now is my paper calendar. I use it instead my phone. rather than using my phone. And I keep the calendar at home above my desk. Before I can say yes to anything, I have to go home and check my calendar. This buffer makes it so much easier to follow my instincts rather than reflexively saying yes. Highly recommend.
And of course, when you’ve said “YES”, but you meant “NO”… You can always go back and say, “I apologise, I misspoke, I’m actually not able to do x, y or z.”
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"If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” … If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide.
- Dr. Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No
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Podcasts to help you get into the spirit of NO:
Tim Ferriss’ interview with Greg McKweown on his book Essentialism (which I’ve read), all about why we will have better lives if we can distill what we say yes too. He offers templates to help you say no in writing.
Beth Kirby’s podcast on her philosophy about saying no so she can say huge yesses to her biggest priorities.
For an interesting take on letting go of stuff that no longer suits you, listen to this old This American Life episode all about quitting.
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