When You Think Someone Else Thinks You're a Hack

…a story from 2006 - 2021

In 2006, in my final year of theatre school, I was cast in a lead role in one of our big shows.

I was so excited, but on our first day of rehearsal, when our director asked us to improvise the show, scene by scene, it quickly became evident that my classmates and I were grossly underprepared.

We’d only just found out our parts and we had no idea how to prepare for a rehearsal period with a director.

As we floundered, not having a clue about what happened scene to scene, the director was visibly disappointed with us. 

And we were – or at least I was – ashamed.

As I tried desperately to “improvise” my various speeches, the content of which I was almost entirely unfamiliar, I was making up for it with volume and “panache”.

The director gestured for me to come towards him.

“Haley,” he said quietly. “It’s about making sense.
Not about making sound.”

Side note: Looking back, as someone who now teaches artists myself (though not in institutions) I would NEVER say such a thing to a student. It’s insensitive and it doesn’t address the issue in a beneficial way, even if it is true!

Chastised and ashamed the phrase marred the entire experience for me.

“Oh," I thought. "This person thinks I’m an idiot.  And worse than that, he’s caught me out as a blustering fraud.”

Once the show was up and running, he came back and watched a performance. By this point we'd done about 10 performances. The night her was there, I thought I’d given a solid performance, but his note to me was that I’d lost a lot of the specificity we’d found in rehearsal. Maybe I had. He was probably right about that. 

But I despised him.
And I despised him mostly because I believed he thought I was a bad actor.

Between then, 2006, and now this director and I have crossed paths in the industry, and through he’s always been really kind to me, I’ve always had this sense that he thinks I’m a noodle.

FAST FORWARD TO 2021: I can’t tell you how shocked I was to receive an email from him, telling me he was teaching my play, The Ex-Boyfriend Yard Sale, (!?!) to a group of students.

I mean . . . W.H.A.T.?

Granted this has nothing to do with my acting, but my writing. Maybe he still thinks I’m a bad actor. But it’s certainly an indication of respect for my work. And that is not something I ever thought he’d have for it.

The story I’d told myself wasn’t true. And the shame I carried all those years was based on a lie I told myself.

So, please, please, please – if you find yourself thinking, “That person thinks I’m bad” and “This person thinks I’m a hack” – don’t hold onto shame for 15 years like I did.

We have no idea what someone thinks of us or how it’ll pan out.

When those nasty stories get into your brain, I am now trying to remind myself to “remain neutral” and wait to see how the story evolves. 

If you're struggling with similar stories, I hope this helps.

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